What Time Has Taught Me

Every year during national adoption month, which is also our 'Gotcha' month,  I am challenged to look back over the years of our journey and do a lot of contemplating.  This year even more than in past years because of the challenges this year has brought.

Yes, during National Adoption Month I feel a need and a responsibility as an adoptive parent to inform and encourage people about the wonders of adoption, but this year I thought long and hard about encouraging anyone to jump into another person's pain.  That may sound harsh, but the reality is 'hurt people, hurt people'.

Now I can hear many of you thinking, "They were so little when they came, how much can they remember?"  or "After 8 years in a loving family, surely their past is their past." or  "It is just being a kid or a teenager, nothing unusual.", and the most painful "Surely if you prayed enough and asked God for healing you would not be dealing with these things."
 

 The truth that many people are not able to comprehend, I know I could not before we adopted, is that kids with hard starts are going to have a lot of hard work to go through to deal with the trauma locked up in their minds and hearts.  Think about a soldier coming home from a war zone trying to deal with what he has seen and the PTSD he deals with, they were adults with functioning reasoning skills, the ability to protect themselves and fight back, and they had lots of other guys on their team.  These children have none of these things on their side.  They have immature reasoning skills, they are too small to fight back or protect themselves, and many times the ones who should be on their side are the one harming them or doing nothing about the harm.

Now before you say it, I know this is not true in all scenarios, praise God.  And I know that all children will deal with trauma differently.  And I know that many adopted children go on to live very typical lives with little affects from their early losses.  And I know that some children will mold into their families with not a thought of looking back at what they have lost.

That being said, I do believe that the majority will not fall into this category, especially with the trends to children being older and older when they enter their forever homes.

 SO WHAT HAS TIME TAUGHT ME THAT IS HELPFUL?

1) The biggest thing I am learning is that adoption is refining me in ways that I never knew I needed refining!

When you have a child who can find every button to turn on your anger, bitterness, selfishness, and the unforgiveness in your heart.  A child who desperately wants in his deepest soul to believe that he can trust again, but in order to do this he is going to test and manipulate every part of you to say, "Are you trustworthy?  Are you going to stick with me?"

I have been on my knees searching out God with tears of desperation and dying to self repeatedly.  What better place to be than to know you can't do it-----only God can.

2) That God is more than enough!

I am a control freak, I admit it.  Stepping into the lives of hurting children, I wanted to 'help' to 'fix' to 'control' to 'make it better'.  What parent does not want the best for their children?  But as time went on I was daily reminded 'I can't fix this'.

Don't read this wrong.  I fight for my treasures!  I read and research and implement all sorts of different techniques.  I have new friends all over the country that have become part of my rallying squad and I a part of theirs.  We use therapists and therapies to engage hearts and minds.  We have prayed over, cried over, and loved over a hurting soul.

But in the end I have to trust that GOD IS ENOUGH!  Only His love can reach a lost soul.  Only His touch can heal a broken heart.  Only His mercy can cause a heart to trust again.  Only His forgiveness can release a ripped up heart to forgive others. And all of this takes time and it is in God's time, not mine!

3) That love is a moment by moment choice---for all of us.

Sometimes love is easy, the sweet tender face of a sleeping new born, the sweet smile of a six year old handing you a bouquet of dandelions, the smile of triumph in the face of a child who aced the test.

But what about love when you have been lied to again, or they found the answer keys and cheated again, or the child who is screaming in terror over what seems like nothing, or the silence and trembling for no apparent reason, or the fists balled in anger again.  Where do you find the love here?

I tell you, you find it in the choice.  You choose to love this child in his pain.  You choose to forgive again and again and again.  You choose to teach the same lesson again and again.  You choose to look past the anger for the hurt daily to see the child.  You choose not to wait for the 'I'm sorry' but remind them again it is needed for restoration again.  You choose not to be easily offended again.  You choose to try again.  You choose not to let the offending words pierce your soul.  You forgive those outside your family who do not understand.

 YOU CHOOSE!

Many, many days lately these choices have been made though puddles of tears and piles of prayers, but they are made none the less as I fight my flesh for my children's future and God's glory.

There is so much more running through my mind, but for today on this eighth anniversary of our children's home coming, I wanted to share what I am learning about myself, about love, about God.

And to decide, "Do I encourage others on this journey?"

Well the answer is yes!

Is the journey going to be all roses?   No

Is the journey going to be all thorns?  No

Some days, weeks, months or even years it will lean heavily in one direction.

But if this is the journey you are called on, you will be called to die to yourself daily, to pray harder and longer than you believed possible, to seek the TRUTH in everything, even things you long thought true, and to grow through trials, pain and joy unspeakable.

May the God of all Truth be glorified in our lives and our journey!

Baby, Zoo, Vacation...Yeah

A few weeks ago we headed out on a 10 day vacation!  And if that was not great enough, I got to add in holding our little guy again!  At 5 months old he was getting a lot more interactive and Hannah and Caleb really enjoyed that part!

Ryan was such a trooper heading out to the zoo with us after a graveyard shift.  Notice the sunshine--oh glorious sunshine after a Pacific Northwest winter.  Harrison was really enjoying the zoo experience, snoozing on Grandpa's chest!

Hannah loves big sister time.  She really misses both of her big sisters a lot.  She asks me often when we are going to Hawaii---not because she want to see the beach  and sand, but for Erinn.

We were enjoying the close up of all animals enjoying the sun.  The one little guy played dead like this for a few minutes.  The kids thought it was great.

I have never had such a good view of Gorillas.  I was loving this one.

He was so majestic.

This guy just scowled at us, like he wanted us to quit bothering him!

So much fun!

This guy was so close and so ugly in a beautiful way.  Do you ever stop and think of how amazing creation is and how varied?  And that God chose to make such different looking creatures.  Beautiful!

Danielle and Ryan enjoying the day.

Caleb enjoying being an uncle.  Harrison was so content for a long time looking at the animals with Caleb.

Hannah and her PINK flamingos.  Danielle jokingly asked her which was her favorite---and without hesitation, she turned around and showed her!  She also got to push Harrison in the stroller.  Her dream come true!

Sometimes.....

 .....you just have to get it out.....

....just to move on!

So bear with me:)

 Math today.

Lots of colors using a pen with 4 colors in it.

No it is not just cute and fun---it is a child that is HIGHLY distracted.

And he took 2 hours to do his "cute" math page.

 Here is part of our language book.

Actually almost every lesson has the name written in.

Preparing ahead of time?

No--anything but what we should focus on.

 Yesterday's math.

Love all the cute pictures?

This was hours in the making.

Oh my.

 An example of two days of lessons.

One day fine attention...

...the next--not so much.

Wondering if food may be more related.

I think a food journal will be happening.

 Oh my Caled.

About 50% of the time.

 You may just laugh at this one.

But there is a total inability to slow down enough to even try to tear these on the line.

If he does, he is so proud he brings them to me:)

 A two week old toothbrush.

A great example of oral sensory issues.

A blanket on one of the couches.

This was chewed apart.

During a movie--there was a need for sensory input.

Actually seeing this one more and more right now.

 Our computer sits just off our kitchen in a former laundry closet.

We chose to leave the faucets in, in case we wanted to put them back in some day.

Well Mr. Curious wondered if they worked.

You guessed it....

Right over my computer.

Thankfully he also has fast reflexes and got it off quick, but did not get it cleaned up too well.

 This is the result when you wonder if the scissors will actually cut through jeans?

Answer:  Yes

 An example of Caleb's pencils.

All the tabs pulled off in the first 24 hours.

Erasers gone in three days.

Chewed up.

He mostly uses mechanical pencils because he presses so hard he is constantly breaking lead.

These pencils require him to press lighter and I can also read it.

 Not such a great picture.

But you can get the idea of all erasers..

and parts and pieces of erasers.

 Another example of his name.

He wrote his name 8 times and 6 are CaleD and 2 are CaleB.

 Again this is kind of hard to see.

His helicopter from Christmas.

Totally broken to pieces, but he has tried to tape it back together.

Probably half a roll of tape here.

He buys his own tape now.

 An example of a book.

Any book.

Missing, riped, bent---normal.

 His favorite drawing book at the moment.

Was in perfect shape till after finishing a math lesson.

Why?

He has no answer.

 Headphones worn during his school.

See the tape again.

He usually tries to 'fix' his mistakes or hide them.

 Here you see what it looks like under the tape.

You can also see the other side is already fixed by me.

He needs the headphones to help keep focused on his video lessons.

 The great idea to go move dirty logs for in the back yard after the rain...

in a white sweatshirts and our good shoes!

I thought this was perfect for the last picture!

There is actually drawing all over the shelf below my 'Pray'!  

Good reminder---to keep praying and keep it in focus.

I am going through "The Connected Child" again with our adoptive group.

Karyn Purvis says on page 36 that a child that "is restless and constantly fidgety"  may be trying to express "I must stay alert and prepared to defend myself at all times because in the past there was no adult to protect me."

Do I feel this is possibly true?

You bet.

When the stresses are higher, the behavior is higher.

What set this last set of issues off?

Well we are working on that.

It takes years to unlearn behaviour that is learned as a trauma response.

Right now it is gentle constant reminding of love and safety.

God is good.

He is the ultimate healer.

We trust with Him all is possible.

We know He amazing plans for our treasure.

So we pray.

We love.

And we give thanks daily for the blessings that come in so many shapes and sizes:)

Perspective

Yesterday I realized it had been a while since I got the ironing done and thought I better get at it.

So about four hours later this is what I had!

As I looked at this rack of clothes I just knew I could not be upset with having to spend all morning getting this done.

There is so much to be thankful in this one picture of daily life:

1) My wonderful husband has a good job requiring him the need to wear all these clothes.

2)  That I have a wonderful, hard working husband providing for us.

3) That we have the finances to buy enough clothes that I don't have to do this everyday.

4)  That I have the time in my day to accomplish this task.

5)  For fun video and teaching audios that make this task easier.

6)  That Hannah mostly likes non-ironable dresses.

7)  For sweaters and sweatshirts that I love to wear so I don't have to iron much for me.

8)   That Caleb, at the age of 11, does not want to wear anything that needs ironing.

9)  For electricity to run the iron and computer during this time, seriously can you imagine doing this the old fashioned way!

10)  For the many blessings we can find in our lives, if only we choose to have the eyes to look for them.

Have a wonderful Thursday, and may you find many blessings hidden in your day:)

Catching UP!!!

 David and I were just discussing this week how much has been happening in our lives in the recent past.

I have been neglectful of my blog and many family and friends keep up with the goings on through this, so here goes some major catch up.

ENJOY!

 Danielle and Ryan have been settling into their new house and making it a home.

Lots of remodeling and make overs happening in their little place.

They are trying to stay ahead of Justice tearing it all apart:)

Ryan has just received a promotion at his work also!

Congratulations Ryan!

 Erinn and Michael are FINALLY settling into their new home in Wahiawa, Hawaii (please don't ask me to try to say that)!

They spent one month in Texas with no furniture and 2 months in Hawaii living out of suitcases in a hotel---it was on the beach though.

They are looking forward to settling into one place and being together for more than 3 months without having to move:)

Erinn has just accepted a position with Hawaii Behavioral Health.  She will be working with kids with disabilities helping them to become more independent.

Congratulations Erinn!

 Drew has won his last two college indoor mile races setting a personal best each time!

He is looking forward to racing on a longer track hopefully on the 11th in Seattle, which we are hoping to go see.  For those of you who do not know WSU has a small 200m non-banked indoor track.  Racing 1 mile on that is slower than on longer tracks and harder on the legs.  Still he ran a 4:13 mile!

As you can see from the picture there is more going on in his life!

He is referring for flag football for a couple of months.  It is at the college and they work around his schedule.  It is a perfect opportunity for him to earn a few extra bucks while still keeping up his commitments with running and school, both of which are important and he receives scholarship money for both, so he can't let them slack.

Congrats Drew on all your hard work!

 Caleb and Hannah both learned to cross country ski this last week.  

It was very icy and not such great snow to learn in, but they were both troopers.

As you can see from the difference in their attire, Caleb was a little over dressed for the weather!  I think he sweated through three of his 6 layers-LOL!

Sweet Hannah has finished 1st grade!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a major accomplishment.

Not only that, but she finished it in a calendar year----the first time that has happened with any of her schooling.

The only subject she is still in first grade for is math, a more troublesome concept for many African children!

We are so proud of her effort and the amazing strides she is making.

She also wants to have LOTS of girls over for her birthday party.

This is also big as she is usually fairly afraid of her peers.  We are hoping having them all on her turf will be good for her!

Congratulations Sweet Girl!

David had the sweet privilege of finishing a marathon relay with his friends, Nate and Dustin!

The marathon was split three ways giving them the marathon feel without all the miles, which David's body is having a hard time dealing with.

After the marathon he was out for a few weeks, but I am happy to say he may already be back on the running road.

He is a much happier and content person when he is able to run.

He is also trying a new medicine for his arthritis.  With his first shot this week, he is not ready to say whether it works any better than his old stuff yet, but he is loving that he will only need a shot every two weeks instead of every week!

I love you my man!

This is what I have been spending a lot of time on.

It is Hannah's Birthday quilt.

It is not finished yet, but close.

I am slowly adjusting to having just littles at home and missing my big kids!

This project kept me busy.

We are so thankful for the many blessing and stretching things that fill our lives---

Hopefully you enjoyed the catch up too!

Hearing That Still Small Voice.....

 Sometimes parenting can be hard work.

Sometimes we make it harder on ourselves by trying to go it alone or giving into our pride or listening to wrong advice.

I am very thankful that yesterday I had ears to hear the Still Small Voice whispering into "my" plans and busyness.


Yesterday as I was heading home I heard that Still Small Voice say check _______.   I thought that was odd because this had never been something that had been a problem, but it persisted.

So I immediately checked ________ when I got home and yes it did need to be checked.  Yes, this was a first time and Praise His Name it was caught the first time.

Now I gave this precious treasure every opportunity to confess, but as any of you who have treasures from the hard places know, things first learned for survival are hard to let go.

Sadly he did not take the opportunity and I showed him _____.  He then confessed.

Now that, Praise be to God, is not the end!!!!

Again, that Still Small Voice spoke into my heart.

I let him know how a small seed of sin can grow if left hidden and that I was thankful for this revelation.

I asked him what this made him and he said, "Liar, Cheater".

Yea your right, it makes you a sinner.....

Just like ME!

Because you know sin is sin.

And we all sin.

Praise God He is not finished with us yet!

I am praising Him today for His speaking to me that I may have  the privilege anew to speak truth and love into my precious son's life.

Caleb this is all part of becoming like Jesus.

Learning to turn from sin.

Learning to confess our sin.

Learning to uncover our sin and be cleansed anew.

Learning to love those who correct us because they love us and want the best for us.

You know as part of his punishment he had to scrub the shower walls, twice.

And he went into Hannah's room, got the portable radio and brought it into the bathroom and was singing praise hymns while he was scrubbing!!!

A soul being washed in truth.

A soul being trained in righteousness.

A soul learning to love.

God is so very good.

What a Savior we serve.

Think about it....

Success and Full...

 David had the privilege of heading to Eastern Oregon this last week to enjoy the wondrous beauty of God's creation, coated in its first snow of the year.

 He was also there with his good friend, David, and his brother, Paul, and his nephew, Preston, to seek out the all elusive elk.

THIS IS FAIR WARNING IF YOU ARE NOT INTO HUNTING-----

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES AND STORY ARE NOT FOR YOU!

David and his friend, David.

David thoroughly enjoyed his time with the guys and his evenings spent catching up with old friends from our days living in Baker City.

David and his brother, Paul, well decked out in their hunter orange.

Their hunt started on Friday, and on their last hunt on Wednesday, before heading home for Thanksgiving, they were blessed by one very large cow elk.

David W. was blessed to be the lucky shot of the week.

This is a perspective shot for those of you who are unaware of actually how large and elk really is.

Sorry it is sideways:/

This beautiful animal was very gratefully split between four families who  are blessed by its provision.

David brought the heart and liver home to enjoy.

I sadly missed the pictures of all the kids and their amazement at how large it was.

The heart was the size of a very large melon and they loved seeing all the valves and arteries.

The liver was massive and very slick.

We may be weird, but the kids really did enjoy the science lesson.

Along with the elk meat, David brought home a half a beef we bought from some friends in Baker.

So it was a successful hunt and we have two very full freezers:)