What Time Has Taught Me

Every year during national adoption month, which is also our 'Gotcha' month,  I am challenged to look back over the years of our journey and do a lot of contemplating.  This year even more than in past years because of the challenges this year has brought.

Yes, during National Adoption Month I feel a need and a responsibility as an adoptive parent to inform and encourage people about the wonders of adoption, but this year I thought long and hard about encouraging anyone to jump into another person's pain.  That may sound harsh, but the reality is 'hurt people, hurt people'.

Now I can hear many of you thinking, "They were so little when they came, how much can they remember?"  or "After 8 years in a loving family, surely their past is their past." or  "It is just being a kid or a teenager, nothing unusual.", and the most painful "Surely if you prayed enough and asked God for healing you would not be dealing with these things."
 

 The truth that many people are not able to comprehend, I know I could not before we adopted, is that kids with hard starts are going to have a lot of hard work to go through to deal with the trauma locked up in their minds and hearts.  Think about a soldier coming home from a war zone trying to deal with what he has seen and the PTSD he deals with, they were adults with functioning reasoning skills, the ability to protect themselves and fight back, and they had lots of other guys on their team.  These children have none of these things on their side.  They have immature reasoning skills, they are too small to fight back or protect themselves, and many times the ones who should be on their side are the one harming them or doing nothing about the harm.

Now before you say it, I know this is not true in all scenarios, praise God.  And I know that all children will deal with trauma differently.  And I know that many adopted children go on to live very typical lives with little affects from their early losses.  And I know that some children will mold into their families with not a thought of looking back at what they have lost.

That being said, I do believe that the majority will not fall into this category, especially with the trends to children being older and older when they enter their forever homes.

 SO WHAT HAS TIME TAUGHT ME THAT IS HELPFUL?

1) The biggest thing I am learning is that adoption is refining me in ways that I never knew I needed refining!

When you have a child who can find every button to turn on your anger, bitterness, selfishness, and the unforgiveness in your heart.  A child who desperately wants in his deepest soul to believe that he can trust again, but in order to do this he is going to test and manipulate every part of you to say, "Are you trustworthy?  Are you going to stick with me?"

I have been on my knees searching out God with tears of desperation and dying to self repeatedly.  What better place to be than to know you can't do it-----only God can.

2) That God is more than enough!

I am a control freak, I admit it.  Stepping into the lives of hurting children, I wanted to 'help' to 'fix' to 'control' to 'make it better'.  What parent does not want the best for their children?  But as time went on I was daily reminded 'I can't fix this'.

Don't read this wrong.  I fight for my treasures!  I read and research and implement all sorts of different techniques.  I have new friends all over the country that have become part of my rallying squad and I a part of theirs.  We use therapists and therapies to engage hearts and minds.  We have prayed over, cried over, and loved over a hurting soul.

But in the end I have to trust that GOD IS ENOUGH!  Only His love can reach a lost soul.  Only His touch can heal a broken heart.  Only His mercy can cause a heart to trust again.  Only His forgiveness can release a ripped up heart to forgive others. And all of this takes time and it is in God's time, not mine!

3) That love is a moment by moment choice---for all of us.

Sometimes love is easy, the sweet tender face of a sleeping new born, the sweet smile of a six year old handing you a bouquet of dandelions, the smile of triumph in the face of a child who aced the test.

But what about love when you have been lied to again, or they found the answer keys and cheated again, or the child who is screaming in terror over what seems like nothing, or the silence and trembling for no apparent reason, or the fists balled in anger again.  Where do you find the love here?

I tell you, you find it in the choice.  You choose to love this child in his pain.  You choose to forgive again and again and again.  You choose to teach the same lesson again and again.  You choose to look past the anger for the hurt daily to see the child.  You choose not to wait for the 'I'm sorry' but remind them again it is needed for restoration again.  You choose not to be easily offended again.  You choose to try again.  You choose not to let the offending words pierce your soul.  You forgive those outside your family who do not understand.

 YOU CHOOSE!

Many, many days lately these choices have been made though puddles of tears and piles of prayers, but they are made none the less as I fight my flesh for my children's future and God's glory.

There is so much more running through my mind, but for today on this eighth anniversary of our children's home coming, I wanted to share what I am learning about myself, about love, about God.

And to decide, "Do I encourage others on this journey?"

Well the answer is yes!

Is the journey going to be all roses?   No

Is the journey going to be all thorns?  No

Some days, weeks, months or even years it will lean heavily in one direction.

But if this is the journey you are called on, you will be called to die to yourself daily, to pray harder and longer than you believed possible, to seek the TRUTH in everything, even things you long thought true, and to grow through trials, pain and joy unspeakable.

May the God of all Truth be glorified in our lives and our journey!

The Importance of Friendship

 Our sweet Hannah Charlesetta turned 10 last month!  

An amazing milestone for my precious one, who without the opportunity of adoption would have become another African statistic.  Did you know her birth country is ranked in the top 5 for infant mortality?  One in 15 children never reach their 5th birthday.  Hannah most likely would have been one of them.

 

 Through God's wonderful mercy, our treasure came home very ill and malnourished at 2 3/4 weighing a mere 21 pounds with little energy but lots of determination.

 As many know our Hannah "Belle", as we call her, suffers from a variety of developmental delays due to her rough start.  Did we know when we adopted her?  No, but it has no bearing on the fact that God wonderfully chose her for us!!!  We have learned so much about ourselves and the grace and mercy of God through the blessing of parenting a child with developmental challenges.  I am so thankful we did not miss  it!

 Up to this point in Hannah's life she has seemed fairly content with not having lots of friends.  She has always preferred playing alone, or in one on one situations, or with younger children.  Her speech delays have made groups intimidating so she stayed on the edges of them.

 Well this year before her birthday as we were talking about what to do, instead of naming all the kids she wanted to come, she started naming all the kids who don't talk to her.  I was shocked and in such pain for my precious treasure.  Her innocence is lost.  She knows she is different.  It hurts.  We cried. Talked.  Comforted. 

 And made special plans with her best friend, Bethany.  I call her "Hannah's special gift"  the friend who accepts and loves Hannah for who she is.

 A few days before her birthday Hannah had her first ever breakdown with anger.  If you know Hannah, you know anger is not a part of who she is.  But we have seen it a couple of times now.  As we work through the anger it is stemming from not being accepted.  She feels alone.  It breaks a mom's heart.

 We are working diligently with her speech therapist is social communication right now and she is making great progress.  We are also working with some things from the therapist and from big sister Erinn on understanding our  feelings and finding proper outlet, and not letting it build up.  She is doing great and I am so thankful for all the amazing resources to help our little one find her voice. 

The fear of rejection for her is still a very big thing, so her steps can be tentative or on the other side awkward.  We are praying for some little hearts that are willing to hear her call for friendship.  For growth on her parts.  And for wisdom for this Mama who wants to help her little treasure blossom into all God is calling her to be.  Thank you God for my Precious Hannah, my gift from You!

When Grief Looks Like Anger

I have been pondering this statement that the Lord gave me for the last few days.

When grief looks like anger......

How does one wade through the ugliness and harshness of raw anger?

How do we find the pain locked deep inside?

How do we uncover trauma and fear and pain that has laid buried for years?

How do we seek out reasons when communication is hindered?

Is it disability or adoption or age?

Will we ever reach a point of total healing?

How can I better help to draw out the hidden?

Should it be drawn out?

Or is it better to wait till they are ready and it surfaces?

Do you point out to them the fears they may be unaware of ?

Or will it only add to the confusion of the mix?

Parenting treasures from hard places is HARD!

 Sometimes we are stretched way beyond what we know...

But we have been blessed with family and friends to help fill in the gaps.

 Sometimes we cry with our kids in their pain because we are lost too....

But tears can bring great healing and bonding when we are drowning in sorrow.

 Sometimes we all make mistakes and wish we were able to undo them....

But in our house we do RE-DO's and second chances and I'm sorry really well. 

So rather than wallow in shame, we do grace.

And we seek to have our eyes opened to the reality of what is occurring in our family!

We see hope!

We see growth!

We see healing!

We see promised futures!

We see treasures sent by God to bless our family!

To teach us about redemption!

To teach us about compassion!

To teach us about forgiveness!

We see a picture of Christ working in our lives!

We can be ugly, yet He forgives us!

We can be unlovable, yet His love never fails!

We can be full of pain and bitterness, yet His tender mercies never end!     

Praise God He is not finished with any of us yet, but we are being transformed daily into His glorious image!

A blessed visit

Today I had a blessed visit with my friend Rebecca.

Rebecca met my youngest treasures before I ever did when she was in Liberia picking up her two youngest treasures.  She brought us the only photo we have of the kids with their birth mother.  A precious thing to a child that has lost so much.  She is also the one who told us to push to get our kids home as fast as possible because Hannah's health was deteriorating fast.  We may owe her Hannah's life---literally.

So you can see we have a special bond.

It was such a joy to be able to talk extendedly with her about joys and sorrows of parenting 'kids from hard places'.  

To speak and be understood about things most parents can never imagine.

To hear words of encouragement and be able to share words of encouragement.

To talk about educating and understanding kids with disabilities and diagnosis's that were caused from malnutrition and trauma.

To dream of futures and possibilities for all our kids from the oldest to the youngest and how varied those futures may look.

To know that God planned our families and their diversities of blessings and challenges for our good.

There is no way to explain how wonderful it is to just be with someone who knows and understands so much of your daily challenges and the excitement that can be had over the smallest of victories with a child from a 'hard place'.

I feel blessed, filled and at peace tonight.  

Thank you Lord for the blessing of friends!

Caleb's Corner

I was struggling to find a good picture of Caleb alone that was not too far away for his update--so you get both my handsome guys at once!

And you can tell from Caleb's face how much he likes being around his brother!

Caleb is very excited to finish his 5th grade year of school.  This year he also took a writing class at the local elementary school which will end this week.

He will be taking Jujitsu classes this summer as well as going to some football camps and VBS's, maybe even as a helper this year.

He has just gone through a major growth spurt and left his little sister behind by a couple of inches.  He is now wearing men's shoes and his older brother's hand-me-downs.  I am loosing my boy and gaining a pre-teen.

If I can ever figure out how to upload it, I will put his amazing performance of "normal hair" on here.  We are definitely looking into drama classes for next year.

We are still struggling with finding out what motivates Caleb to give his best at most anything he does.  He seems to be content with mediocrity in all he does.  Trying to decipher if that is all he thinks he can do, or all he thinks he is worth, or if he is that afraid of failing.  I am sure there is a mix of lots of things, but we know he is capable of more than he shows much of the time.

He is an awesome big brother to Hannah and very protective of her, so much so that we are trying to teach him to let her do and try things on her own.  It is very hard for him to think she might make a mistake too.

As you can see from what I have just said, his PTSD is definitely showing.  I was doing some reading recently that said it will usually have a spike in puberty--fun, fun! 

Ya, that is a lot of what we think we are seeing. 

Even that things are exasperated after he has seen his older siblings and they leave again.  I am sure it triggers abandonment feelings.

Oh the pain that children from hard places carry.

Isn't it good to know that God is so much bigger than all our pain, sorrows, and memories.

That He comes to heal and renew.

We cling to that promise and cover all our treasures with prayer towards that end.

Sometimes.....

 .....you just have to get it out.....

....just to move on!

So bear with me:)

 Math today.

Lots of colors using a pen with 4 colors in it.

No it is not just cute and fun---it is a child that is HIGHLY distracted.

And he took 2 hours to do his "cute" math page.

 Here is part of our language book.

Actually almost every lesson has the name written in.

Preparing ahead of time?

No--anything but what we should focus on.

 Yesterday's math.

Love all the cute pictures?

This was hours in the making.

Oh my.

 An example of two days of lessons.

One day fine attention...

...the next--not so much.

Wondering if food may be more related.

I think a food journal will be happening.

 Oh my Caled.

About 50% of the time.

 You may just laugh at this one.

But there is a total inability to slow down enough to even try to tear these on the line.

If he does, he is so proud he brings them to me:)

 A two week old toothbrush.

A great example of oral sensory issues.

A blanket on one of the couches.

This was chewed apart.

During a movie--there was a need for sensory input.

Actually seeing this one more and more right now.

 Our computer sits just off our kitchen in a former laundry closet.

We chose to leave the faucets in, in case we wanted to put them back in some day.

Well Mr. Curious wondered if they worked.

You guessed it....

Right over my computer.

Thankfully he also has fast reflexes and got it off quick, but did not get it cleaned up too well.

 This is the result when you wonder if the scissors will actually cut through jeans?

Answer:  Yes

 An example of Caleb's pencils.

All the tabs pulled off in the first 24 hours.

Erasers gone in three days.

Chewed up.

He mostly uses mechanical pencils because he presses so hard he is constantly breaking lead.

These pencils require him to press lighter and I can also read it.

 Not such a great picture.

But you can get the idea of all erasers..

and parts and pieces of erasers.

 Another example of his name.

He wrote his name 8 times and 6 are CaleD and 2 are CaleB.

 Again this is kind of hard to see.

His helicopter from Christmas.

Totally broken to pieces, but he has tried to tape it back together.

Probably half a roll of tape here.

He buys his own tape now.

 An example of a book.

Any book.

Missing, riped, bent---normal.

 His favorite drawing book at the moment.

Was in perfect shape till after finishing a math lesson.

Why?

He has no answer.

 Headphones worn during his school.

See the tape again.

He usually tries to 'fix' his mistakes or hide them.

 Here you see what it looks like under the tape.

You can also see the other side is already fixed by me.

He needs the headphones to help keep focused on his video lessons.

 The great idea to go move dirty logs for in the back yard after the rain...

in a white sweatshirts and our good shoes!

I thought this was perfect for the last picture!

There is actually drawing all over the shelf below my 'Pray'!  

Good reminder---to keep praying and keep it in focus.

I am going through "The Connected Child" again with our adoptive group.

Karyn Purvis says on page 36 that a child that "is restless and constantly fidgety"  may be trying to express "I must stay alert and prepared to defend myself at all times because in the past there was no adult to protect me."

Do I feel this is possibly true?

You bet.

When the stresses are higher, the behavior is higher.

What set this last set of issues off?

Well we are working on that.

It takes years to unlearn behaviour that is learned as a trauma response.

Right now it is gentle constant reminding of love and safety.

God is good.

He is the ultimate healer.

We trust with Him all is possible.

We know He amazing plans for our treasure.

So we pray.

We love.

And we give thanks daily for the blessings that come in so many shapes and sizes:)

Amazed....

This kid amazes me.

He is growing and maturing is so many ways right now as to spin the mind.

Today was one of our challenge days---they tend to be Mondays:/

But as we were discussing one of our issues today, God slowed me down, as He has been a lot lately with this one.

He said, "Show your son the root of the sin, show him the reality of how he is gripping on to it, help him learn to release it."

Yes, we are moving beyond behavior modification to helping him really come to grips with how our sinful hearts can deceive us.

He really has trouble understanding his sin, yet don't we all!

I am so very thankful for my faithful husband and friends that lovingly point out my areas of blindness.

So I in turn, seek to help Caleb to learn it is something we all deal with.

***It does not me we are irredeemable.

***It does not mean we are unlovable.

***It does not mean that grace cannot met us where we are.

***It does not mean we cannot be forgiven and start afresh.

For kids from the 'hard places' who have experienced significant pain and loss in their young lives, there is an extra layer to work through.

It is easy for Caleb to reject the above truths.

To go to his place of comfort.

But to allow this would be to short change my wonderful son of all the blessings:

***that lie in walking in the freedom of guilt and shame

***that lie in living a life fully focused on bringing God all the glory

***that lie in living in the truth and not being blinded by bitterness

So, though we have our rough days, I am learning, as I believe Caleb is, to rejoice even in these days because God is so good to give them to us so we can be challenged and changed into the likeness of his precious Son.

Because that is the only prayer I pray for ALL my children regularly----

That they may be molded in the potter's hand into the likeness of Jesus---

And the hard part is "whatever it takes".

Thank you Lord for loving us so much that you refine us!

It Makes Me Cry

It makes me want to cry when I know how hard he has to work for some things...

When trauma has affected his ability to learn and retain.

It hurts to know it will probably always be a struggle.

But God....

This has not taken Him unawares.

He only has the best in mind for all of us.

He formed him in his mother's womb.

HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES!!

Caleb and I are learning to trust in a new way!

Praise God, Your mercies are new every morning!!

Thank you God for this amazing treasure you have blessed us with!!

Your blessings overflow!!

Cousins--Snow

No blogging, but lots of cousins around here.

David's brother and his family are back for their last short visit before they will be returning to the Philippines and their ministry there. Find a link to their blog on the sidebar.

Yes, I was caught in the act of starting the snow ball fight:/

Grandma braved the cold to enjoy the kids in the snow.

Rebekah, , Hannah, Luke, Caleb, Jonathan, Abbie

My sweet Hannah recovering from an abscess in her ear canal. Part of our trauma issues with this one include not letting us know when she is hurting, so we did not know till it had burst! It had to be amazingly painful. Thanks to our wonderful doctor who whisked us in at 3:30 on a Friday to take a look and get us some drops!!!

Shining Through

The beautiful sunrise from our window this morning!

Through the clouds and fog we saw this beautiful sight!

Kind of like working through the layers of our littles lately.

We peek, we shine, we push, we pull, and we mostly seek.

For some the start of school brings an abundance of joy for both parent and child.

In our home, with our littles, school is a time of trials, testing, and bright spots, like the picture above of learning and growing.

We have decided we will really use this year to seek some answers for some of our challenges.

But it can look like this---

Caleb giving such varied answers at the eye doctor, that she finally has to test him like a very little child to get to the answers without asking him.

Answer for this question is no vision problems and she believes only some small areas that she showed me some therapy to work on to strengthen some things.

It can also look like this--

Hannah working with her speech therapist (testing so we can get an 'official diagnosis'), she answers every rhyming question correctly!

Oh by the way she can not rhyme at all, she does not 'get' the concept!

Thankfully her therapist has worked with her long enough to know this and score her accordingly.

Answer through 2 of the 3 days of testing--Hannah does have Auditory Processing Disorder (APD or CAPD)

So where does his put us on this road--a few steps in and a few steps back.

We are presently working on finding someone or some group that will do a comprehensive evaluation on Hannah and possibly Caleb.

We are not so much wanting labels, as the knowledge of how we can help her within her limitations and abilities.

So we will be looking at psychological issues (trauma), emotional issues (attachment), developmental issues (malnutrition), IQ issues (educational), and the whole range of learning disabilities.

As you can see it would be helpful to have one evaluation that could take into account all areas instead of piecemealing it.

Praying that God would lead us in the right direction, that we may be able to get some answers, and like the picture above start pushing back the clouds to let the kids shine through!

Lil' Charmer!

Yep, and all the attitude!!


We may just have hit an extremely important pivotal point in this young man's life!!


For a child with extreme trauma in his background, there is much to work through before you can trust, before you can believe in yourself, before you can find your potential.


We have watched much growth in the last year with all the change in our family and stress in our lives.


This week we found a 'football player'!!

Seriously, everyone, coaches, other parents and us, all saw the potential.


Two years ago when we did tackle football for the first time (on the same team) we did not realize how much abuse Caleb had suffered in his young life. The physicalness of the football brought out the things he needed to work through. He was not such a good player, but the healing that was brought about by being able to finally talk about his past has helped him to move forward.


Last year we took the year off so we could all enjoy Drew's senior year of running.


Fast forward to this year. He is on the same football team, with the same coaches, but let me tell you, he is NOT the same player. As of last week we have a FOOTBALL PLAYER!! He has found the trust in his family, coaches, and players, that they are not out to hurt him. He has found the confidence in himself, and his ability to be GOOD at something. So we are seeing the potential that has always lived there bloom!!


Praise God---His mercies are new every morning!!


Praise God---He chooses to keep working with us, his broken, battered children!!!


Caleb and I had a beautiful heart to heart this morning (God ordained moment)!


Praying for continued healing and growth for this special treasure!!!

Advocating---

I guess I am still learning---and that is not such a bad thing!!

Sometimes when I speak up about Hannah's special needs, I get people looking at me as though I am crazy. They don't see it. They think I am overreacting. She is just a kid. All kids do that. Especially since her delays are not visible.

So today at our new dentist, I spoke with the hygienist about Hannah's teeth issues (any others of you out there with black spots on kids teeth?), I chose not to breach the issue other than Hannah has some delays and left them to see how it would go.

So I went to sit down and a few moments later I hear her trying to instruct Hannah for a panoramic x-ray. She is using words like: behind, in the front and lower. Hannah has lots of trouble with the prepositional words, she just doesn't get it, at least not regularly. So I walk back there and try to help the lady to understand that with her delays she has to show or touch her to help her do what she is asking. Then gave her a little more detail to help them get along better. I think they did OK, though I am thinking she let Hannah get away with more in the chair than I would have!

Then we go back a few hours later to get sealants on the back molars. She is going back with the dentist and his assistant this time and I had spoken with him some on Hannah's delays earlier and left it at that.

I check half way through and she was doing OK. Then they come out and I can tell Hannah is trying to be brave and all it took was a smile from me and the tears started!! The assistant said that Hannah did not tell them that they were hurting her and they did not know till they saw the silent tears!!

Again, I failed to tell them, because I did not think about sealants hurting or being uncomfortable, that due to past trauma, my dear daughter does not tell people when she is in pain, she does not cry out loud, and that she can deal with a very high amount of pain.

Oh I can not tell you how bad I felt for not advocating for my little one. My blessing who is just learning to use her voice, still needs me to be a voice for her.

Praying Lord for wisdom in advocating for my little one. For compassion for her needs that she cannot voice. For little regard to what others think as I speak for her.

Do You Love Me?

So what to write?


That has been the question!


Been dealing with my yearly pre-spring blues!


Seems like one of mine loves to get me with words about the same time every year!!


Those of you with adopted blessings may have heard this one--you know--the you don't love me routine.


After he hurt me with these words, and I took a while to digest what was going on, I realized he does the same thing every year about this time. And we see an escalation in some annoying behaviors!


Yep, one smart kid!


Actually I am SURE it has to so with his past trauma, but I am also not always sure how to best deal with it. He has dealt with rejection, abuse and loss. He does have issues to be recognized and healed. But is this what he is seeking with this, or is it just causing pain to another when he sees an opportunity?


I know the coddling the poor hurting child is what he is seeking, and maybe in the past in order to err on the side of his healing I have let more slide than I should.


This year, with a little more insight, I am taking a more direct approach!!


1--Hurting people with your words is not acceptable---even if you are hurting!!


2--Our house rules remain the same--even if you are hurting!!


3--You are loved--even if you are hurting!!


4--We are kind--even if we are hurting!!!


5--Jesus can heal all of our hurting!!!


Praying some day the pain of past abuse will become dim and he will be able to continually walk in the assurance that he is:


1--loved


2--safe from spiritual and earthly attacks


3--able to love freely


4--special just as he is


5--forever saved in his Father's hands


Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

Heads Up to a New Resource and Some Great Books

We are heading out camping for the weekend, so I stocked up on reading material !!

Actually, I am over half way in Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan. And I am loving this one. Right where God has been speaking to me lately.

This book, Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child With Sensory Integration Issues by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske, is in response to the last posting on learning delays. Our speech therapist has suggested that this may be the next issues we need to tackle with both kids.

And this one, The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis has been on my wish list for months and I finally just broke down and bought it. She is the lady on the videos I have been recommending on attachment and trauma. You can find her new web site at this address http://empoweredtoconnect.org/blog/ I was directed to her work by a blogging 'friend' that though we have never met or talked, she has given me so much wonderful advise, you can find her here http://www.abushel-and-apeck.blogspot.com/

Now I am just praying for a little quiet time for some good reading this weekend! Wishing you all a wonderfully peaceful weekend as well.