Adoption Issues Part 1

I tried to make a point of not just talking adoption issues on this blog, as our family is so much more than adoption. But because of our adoption our eyes have been opened to so much more than I could ever have imagined! I thought I would take some time once in a while to talk about some of the things we have been learning on this journey.

On one of the groups I am part of they have been talking about sibling rivalry. Interestingly I originally did not think much of this since our bios and adopted are so far apart in age. That changed abruptly when we brought Caleb home and he immediately rejected his brother. We had read about this in relation to kids and parents (which Hannah did to me), but I had not heard of it with siblings.

Due to the wise advise of a friend, we chose to take our oldest son's side most all the time. I will admit that originally this was because Caleb was an amazing lier (you would probably be too if it meant survival) and would make it seem so convincing.

Now looking back, I know this not only helped Caleb to learn not to lie, but more importantly that he is not the center of everything. It also helped to confirm for Drew that we would stand by him, that we trusted him, and that our love was not changed no matter how much life shifted.

These are important issues when you take into consideration that whenever you go out as a dual-race family, you are set apart by many people. They ask questions pointedly about your adopted children and totally ignore your bio children. This is not a good atmosphere to encourage sibling companionship. There were times, especially in the first year, that our older children would not want to go somewhere new and be ignored.

As Caleb has settled into his role in our family and begun to feel safe, secure and loved he does not push so hard for that attention he so wants. He knows he will get it. I think he has learned that we can love him and his siblings at the same time. A big thing to learn for a child who has suffered so much in his young life!!

Now we deal with the regular sibling issues and are getting to enjoy for the first time brothers as siblings!! If you call all their rough housing enjoyment!!

So a bit of advise for those of you who have not adopted:

1) Remember all the children in the family!

2) That what may not seem fair to you on the outside, is probably hard parenting from the inside to teach a child a needed life lesson/skill.